i posted my favorite quotes throughout the apartment. but put somewhere where other people can see them, they feel trite and cliche although they are meaningful to me. back in my room they go. yesterday anne marie asked "whose quotes from brothers karamazov are these?" and i blushed really hard and got mad at monique when she told anne marie those quotes were my favorite ones.

There was this guy on the bus and I had seriously decided to give him my phone number. He didn't do anything to make me think that he wanted my number nor was he especially cute, I just had the urge to do it because he was on the phone and he asked his friend if he had a girl in his life, someone different, and he was talking about how busy he has been. I guess i just wanted to be that girl for him. I didn't end up giving him my number because by the time I knew that that was what I wanted to do, it was my stop.

today is the first time in a while that i remember being bothered by the fact that i'm a loser. maybe it's cause i just now realized it.

but that's okay. that's the lighter kind of depression. although it kind of leads into the darker kind- being alone. but i can get my mind out of it. but the way i get my mind off of it is by doing loserish stuff, like hanging on my computer.

I'm in the car driving to San Francisco with Monique and her friend Alicia. The scenery is beautiful, "Hey Ya" is playing. Everything is peaceful yet I'm still trying to block out a cloud of depression. This morning, I was happy with my body. I'm not anymore because I'm eating a lot of junk food: oreo ice cream bar, starbursts, gardettos and dove chocolate bar. The first part of the car drive, I tried to write an argument about justice. I thought I was making a pretty coherent argument, but then when I read over what I wrote, I had a hard time understanding what I was trying to say. In the class today, we saw a Chomsky and Foucault debate, it was so sexy!
I don't think I have a crush on anyone right now, which is unusual. I'm keeping on top of my schoolwork, I've been going to the gym several times a week and playing the piano.
In writing class today, we split up into groups to talk about Chomsky and my group chose me to talk to the class about what our group had talked about. I felt embarrassed because I was kind of rambling about irrelevant things. The question our group was supposed to answer was, "What are the two conceptions of democracy Chomsky describes? Which do you prefer and why?" Our group barely discussed it so I winged most of what I said. I said we preferred the one that allows the public to get involved and doesn't restrict the flow of information. Then I tried to relate this to the 1964 Santa Cruz General Plan (just because it was fresh in my mind from the night before in CMMU24Q when the ex-mayor of Santa Cruz came to talk about the history of Santa Cruz.) I talked for so long about the General Plan and it wasn't until I had finished talking about it that I realized that I didn't really have a point. Oh, well, at least I gave the class some interesting facts about the history of Santa Cruz. I wonder if they think I'm a community activist. My group gave me funny looks when I stopped talking, like, "Where the hell did this come from? What happened to talking about the 'bewildered herd' and how a few leaders can't know what's good for the entire populace?" Next time, maybe, they won't choose me to represent the group.
Monique and I want to create a dog day care and call it "Doggy Style." Isn't that so witty?!
I really enjoy road trips. There is something about them that makes me feel laid back and carefree.

to follow up: religion, strong unshakeable faith; fighting depression; let the wind carry you but what if you want to be somebody

I need to stop using that word.

I had one freak out today during CMMU42Q. It was looking at my professor that triggered it. He seems so lonely. I tried to call the Student Health Center to schedule an appointment, but they didn't answer. You would think that they would feel obliged to answer!
I want to audition for Rocky Horror Picture Show because I really want to get involved in theater in some way. I never got a chance to ever do any acting.
Monique is going to San Francisco this weekend and she's going home next weekend. I anticipate depression. Maybe I should go to Berkeley to impose on Philip.
An ideal guy would watch stupid videos and tv shows with me.
I am keeping on top of my schoolwork and I am proud of myself.
I finished memorizing La Valse d'Amelie. Up next is either To Zanarkand, Fake Plastic Trees, or No Surprises. I would like to find the sheet music to Radiohead's "All I Need" but I haven't been able to yet.
I went to the Church in Santa Clara last Sunday with Zachary. I forgot how much I disliked church. Sorry, Dad. I think Zachary enjoyed it more than I did. I really like the saints when they're not talking about God. I was annoyed that they kept on asking for my number and inviting me to meetings on Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays. It's annoying because I can't say no very well, and it's frustrating because they make me feel like I have to put my foot down, which is something I'm not very good at doing, or at least that I don't like to do very much.
I tried shrooms on Saturday. I went to upper campus with Monique, Olivia and Zach. My favorite part was when I sat down and I saw the earth breathe. Then I imagined I saw hundreds of eyes in the dirt staring at me and we were having a silent conference; we were communicating with our eyes. The eyes told me that they were romantically in love with Zachary, that he was kind of like a god to them. It made me cry. The bad part of the trip was when I went back to the dorm room to take a nap. Monique and Olivia went downtown. When I woke up, I freaked out (this began my series of freak-outs) thinking about how we are all going to die and how I felt so alone.
To fight these freak-outs, I'm trying to live in the moment, to not be so anxious about the future. "The inability of humans to free themselves from dominance by the mind and live in the present is the root cause for misery in the world" - ForeWord magazine (I found this in the review part of The Power Of Now.) Though I used to love the Power of Now, sometimes it makes me sad to think that it is just a fluke, and that there is no way to be happy. But that is silly, because it does make me happy. I'm just anxious.
Back to shrooms. I don't know if I'll do them again. I wasn't too impressed. I was able to separate the drug from reality. I wish the earth really breathed, but I don't think it does. I'd want to do it again if the earth really did breathe and you could only see it on shrooms. I'm just disappointed that everyone sees the same things. I don't feel special.

pussy, money, weed
i texted him "hey how are you?" he didn't respond. this makes me so sad.
i'm on ecstasy right now.
superficially, inside i feel good. i feel tingly-like.
and it made me happy because monique said i was so beautiful.
i saw travis at the dance. he left. they always do. but i'm trying not to take it too personally. he had somewhere else to be. why can't i always realize this?
and i'm not as bothered by him not texting me back, because he's probably busy. why should that bother me? i'm not the only apple of his eye. i'm just nervous because i was sobbing.
i love people, even when i feel that they treat me badly. they don't mean to. i do the same thing to them. why am i such a hypocrite?
music is so great. downtown, today, i saw people break-dancing. i loved them so much because they love music so much. they are passionate about it.
jon visited today. his lack of motivation depressed me.
i'm very fortunate to be who i am, to have the friends that i have, to know the people that i do.
now i see how anxious i am.
i wish i could feel like this all of the time. not so offended by other people.
i hope the come down isn't too terrible.

I want to stop dating. It's really good at times, but also really bad at times.

Today.
I went animal tracking at the Younger Lagoon. I learned about scat and footprints and clouds and bird songs. I learned how to fox walk so animals won't run away and see with an owl's eye so you can see more and use sense meditation so you can feel more.
My throat really hurts.. from unmentionable things.
I went to see Killer Joe. FUCKING AMAZING.

Pictures from animal tracking at the lagoon (first two) and arboretum (last pic)

He told me last night that the most beautiful part about our cuddling was that we'll be able to do it after we die, without our bodies. He said when we cuddle we communicate with our bodies what our souls want to tell each other. He said he's never had this physical connection with anyone before. Because we're not lusting after each other, we're appreciating one another, he says. He said my intentions were so pure. But then we kissed. And it didn't feel so pure anymore.. It kind of scared me what he was saying. He said "I just wanted you to know how it feels to love and be loved". And I did feel loved but it didn't feel as amazing as I thought it would be. This seemed like the purest kind of affection, so is this what love is? I think it is. How disappointing..

He said he knows what happens to us when we die. I asked him how he knew. He said because he's experienced it before, because he's let everything go. I have a feeling that he is going to die young. If he does, then I'll know what he's saying is true. He said when we die, we can be wherever we want to be.

I said "No matter what happens, I'm glad I knew you." He said "No matter what happens, I'm glad I'll always know you."

I had sex last night. The real thing. I was drunk, but I think I just want to use that as an excuse. He is so good looking. It just wasn't very fun cause it hurt. I played my first drinking game last night- Flip Cup. I like drinking because I lose my social inhibitions.